wondering

just finished reading my blog posts from last february, march and april. the pain of the loss of chad and palmer is still so fresh. but its different, it used to be a sharp pain that came and went, now its a deepened, dull pain that feels as if it will always be there. i admitt I am still angry that Chad and Mark weren't healed in this life. I'm sure and I know that there are reasons I can't see, but it bothers me. i hope i'm not being prideful, but I think God can handle it.

life has not been fun, been wallowing in an ongoing depression for several weeks. its something i've had since childhood, i go through seasons where i feel overwhelmed with pain and questions. i'm angry, i'm disallusioned, i'm sad, i'm discouraged and i'm tired. i wonder about a lot of things, things i won't blog about. i've been reading what henri nouwen calls a "suffocating loneliness" . . . that about sums it up.

there are bright and dark sides to wondering, i find myself in the latter category tonight.


peace,