i think today i finally gave up, literally hit that wall and couldn't go another step. cancelled the rest of my appts. for the day, went home and requested a 2 week leave of absence from work to try and get some perspective and deal with the source of all this anguish. I would say half is overwhelming work and half is a deep, personal wrestling in me with God himself. I'll give you 2 guesses who is winning that particular wrestling match.
I will start that 2 week leave of absence/sabbatical from work on Friday August 8. Until then, I'm going to try and get as much taken care of from work as possible, but I'm letting it all go.
I have come to the end and giving myself over to surrender. Whatever God wants is what I want. What following Jesus looks like, its the path I want. If I'm to leave this job to seek the next step for me, even if I don't have something else in place, I'm gonna trust Jesus to bring us there. If I'm to stay and reinvent this job situation with boundaries and God at the center of me, then I'll follow him through that. I'm done controlling what provision looks like, I made a mess of it and it made a mess of me. I'm a large hump of clay, time for some molding.
This day has been very revealing and I find that to be encouraging. I'm encouraged as I head to bed, I think I'm ready to go toe to toe with some of these root issues within me.
I think I'm finally ready to ask God to heal my heart for Him not healing Palmer. there, i said it, only took me 2 1/2 years. I think I'm ready to ask God to heal my heart for a fatherless and abusive childhood. there, i said it, only took me 35 1/2 years. My pride has held onto these pains and stuffed them down deep within me. My pain has too long been a source of my identity, its time to crush that clay and remold something new. I can't make any of this happen, I'm just here saying I'm ready and open.
peace to your heart of clay,
5 comments:
Praying for you bro. Two verses come to mind that were especially helpful for me when I hit my own wall a couple years ago:
Matthew 11: 28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Luke 12: Do Not Worry
22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
32"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Also, I found Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning to be very helpful reading as well. Peace my brother,
jeremiah
hey chris - jeremiah referenced 'ruthless trust'...just as i did yesterday. :)
want me to give you my copy?
My thoughts will be with you. Give me a call if you want to grab a mid-afternoon beer and process, or not. (miller lite, of course, unless you want to go wild with a Guinness and a cigar!).
Thanks for being open and obedient...your honesty gives me pause and much to process...I have a "Palmer" in my life and a similar childhood to speak to.
Never met you in person but following Christ would be tougher without brothers in the faith like you. Best I have to offer are the Jingle Bell Run t-shirts...
thank you, fellas. things are really looking bright, will report more.
Jody, I LoVE that t-shirt package every year!!
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