Sunday, March 23, 2008

He is Risen!

that rocks hizzy.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

X Madness

Ok, I'm a pretty big Xavier University Musketeer fan and this is one of the best all around teams we've had in a long time. We have potential to do a lot of damage to some brackets as a #3 seed in the West. Senior guards, inside-out game, very athletic, strong defense, tough schedule and a deep bench. That is a recipe for a deep run, but there is a reason they call it "March Madness" because you just never know. Today is Georgia, a freekishly hot team coming off their SEC tourney championship, but this was after a sub-par regular season. Xavier is clearly more talented, but Georgia more than anyone else in the tournament is truly playing with the house money which makes them dangerous. I don't want a close game today, my heart can't handle it. But I'll take a close victory over having to pack up my X gear for the summer by this afternoon.

This is a beautiful time of year, amateur sports at its best (well, amateurs producing billions of dollars for others).

I'm posting today to support my Jesuit Catholic brothers from the Nati. Let's go X!

peace to your madness,

Sunday, March 16, 2008

why did they have to die?

Chad Canipe/Mark Palmer

2 years ago this month I lost 2 of my best friends within 10 days of each other and it still hurts so badly. I'm not writing tonight to try and keep good theology, I'm writing because my heart is still broken. why did they have to die? I miss them, terribly, I miss them. I want to have coffee with Chad, I want to call Mark tonight and hear his heart again. But I can't do any of that, I have to sit in silence. I have to listen to music that reminds me of them and just cry. I didn't want them to go and I don't want any of it to be true.

I wanted that my prayer over Chad in his comma would put life back into him. I wanted that as he layed there dead in his bed and I asked him how to care for his family, that he could have answered me in this life. His family is so beautiful, i wanted them to have their husband and dad back. i never get over this wanting. never.

I wanted to crawl inside Palmer's body as he lay there with tumors eating at him and grab each one, grab each single one and squeeze the poison out of it. strangle each tumor of the life it was taking from Mark. i wanted him to raise up, come alive, speak the words of wisdom again. i wanted at his funeral as we were leaving the cemetery to head towards the memorial service that when i layed hands on the box that kept him and they buried in him in the ground that he would come out of that box. i wanted that life would breathe in him and he would spring from his grave. i still want that. i miss being inspired by Mark and his gifts, his words, his thoughts, his creativity, his passion for the Kingdom of God.

Peace is not being "okay" with it. Peace is not w/out pain. Peace is resting in singular allegiance to the King. I remain there but I'm in pain. I'm still wanting, I'm still disappointed.

Please don't preach to me. I know Chad and Mark are alive as never before. I know God is good and worthy of worship. But here's the thing, i experienced the life they are now encompassed in as they were here with me in this realm. I've tasted where they are at and it wreaks with life. We did it together here and they left to go bathe in it completely. I'm still waiting and I'm still wanting and it hurts.

What is this life of pointless jobs and aspirations? Dead goals and dead desires. aimless pursuits to get more stuff and get more dead. we major in decay and it sucks. we think we're so important but we are specs in a magnificent universe. The Kingdom is ultimate reality, it is all there is, there is nothing else. I want to experience it again with my brothers. I would call them fallen, but I think I'm the one who is still fallen.

Chad and Mark, I love you guys so much and miss you terribly. Can't wait to see you again.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Disciplines = life

Ok, so I've returned to several of these disciplines I have been neglecting and what are the early results? I feel life within me. Apparently the disciplines I try so hard to avoid contain the very life I am craving. Who would have thunk it? Now all i have to do is be consistent . . . not exactly my strongpoint.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Seeking Transformation

I've been in quite a rut of late, which you can judge by a total lack of blog posting. General unmotivations towards disciplines physically and spiritually. Could be the weather, constant grayness, ice, snow, rain etc. Although this weekend was very cool in that we got 15-16 inches of fresh snow and had a family weekend of just play and rest. It gave me a lot of downtime that I needed to ground myself, feel centered again and then begin to come to grips with better steps of transformation. Digging the snow out of my driveway is I suppose a metaphor of things I want to do to seek transformation. I want to dig out of the personal rut.

I want to increase my workouts from 1-2 days per week to 5-6 days, I miss the feeling of fitness. This will mean going to bed by 10:00 to get up by 5:30 or 6:00.

I want to slow down and read more, read anything. Newspaper, magazines, books, blogs. . . anything to feed the mind. This will mean less TV.

I want to blog more, write more of the thoughts that are bouncing around my heart and mind. Express what I'm feeling with words for a community to read and interact with.

I want to seek intentional times of silence and solitude. I'm looking for one day a month of intentional solitude for this extrovert to be quiet, create space and open my heart to God.

I want to date my wife more. Take some time for conversation and coffee to keep her informed of the dreams on my heart and listen to what's going on inside of her. When we talk, we tend to notice better the good things happening all around us and it always gives perspective.

Work is a crazy pace and there are so many unhealthy things outside of my control that I want to care about it less and focus on the places in my life that are redemptive and beautiful. I'm seeking a transformation in my attitude towards vocation.

To me, we are never done seeking Christ and His transformation. Becoming the people of God on earth is a high calling and I want to get back to some doable and simple steps of "monking in the real world". Creating space for God to do what God does, change us into His likeness.

stop and notice the Kingdom around you today,