Sunday, March 16, 2008
why did they have to die?
Chad Canipe/Mark Palmer
2 years ago this month I lost 2 of my best friends within 10 days of each other and it still hurts so badly. I'm not writing tonight to try and keep good theology, I'm writing because my heart is still broken. why did they have to die? I miss them, terribly, I miss them. I want to have coffee with Chad, I want to call Mark tonight and hear his heart again. But I can't do any of that, I have to sit in silence. I have to listen to music that reminds me of them and just cry. I didn't want them to go and I don't want any of it to be true.
I wanted that my prayer over Chad in his comma would put life back into him. I wanted that as he layed there dead in his bed and I asked him how to care for his family, that he could have answered me in this life. His family is so beautiful, i wanted them to have their husband and dad back. i never get over this wanting. never.
I wanted to crawl inside Palmer's body as he lay there with tumors eating at him and grab each one, grab each single one and squeeze the poison out of it. strangle each tumor of the life it was taking from Mark. i wanted him to raise up, come alive, speak the words of wisdom again. i wanted at his funeral as we were leaving the cemetery to head towards the memorial service that when i layed hands on the box that kept him and they buried in him in the ground that he would come out of that box. i wanted that life would breathe in him and he would spring from his grave. i still want that. i miss being inspired by Mark and his gifts, his words, his thoughts, his creativity, his passion for the Kingdom of God.
Peace is not being "okay" with it. Peace is not w/out pain. Peace is resting in singular allegiance to the King. I remain there but I'm in pain. I'm still wanting, I'm still disappointed.
Please don't preach to me. I know Chad and Mark are alive as never before. I know God is good and worthy of worship. But here's the thing, i experienced the life they are now encompassed in as they were here with me in this realm. I've tasted where they are at and it wreaks with life. We did it together here and they left to go bathe in it completely. I'm still waiting and I'm still wanting and it hurts.
What is this life of pointless jobs and aspirations? Dead goals and dead desires. aimless pursuits to get more stuff and get more dead. we major in decay and it sucks. we think we're so important but we are specs in a magnificent universe. The Kingdom is ultimate reality, it is all there is, there is nothing else. I want to experience it again with my brothers. I would call them fallen, but I think I'm the one who is still fallen.
Chad and Mark, I love you guys so much and miss you terribly. Can't wait to see you again.