Sunday, March 16, 2008

why did they have to die?

Chad Canipe/Mark Palmer

2 years ago this month I lost 2 of my best friends within 10 days of each other and it still hurts so badly. I'm not writing tonight to try and keep good theology, I'm writing because my heart is still broken. why did they have to die? I miss them, terribly, I miss them. I want to have coffee with Chad, I want to call Mark tonight and hear his heart again. But I can't do any of that, I have to sit in silence. I have to listen to music that reminds me of them and just cry. I didn't want them to go and I don't want any of it to be true.

I wanted that my prayer over Chad in his comma would put life back into him. I wanted that as he layed there dead in his bed and I asked him how to care for his family, that he could have answered me in this life. His family is so beautiful, i wanted them to have their husband and dad back. i never get over this wanting. never.

I wanted to crawl inside Palmer's body as he lay there with tumors eating at him and grab each one, grab each single one and squeeze the poison out of it. strangle each tumor of the life it was taking from Mark. i wanted him to raise up, come alive, speak the words of wisdom again. i wanted at his funeral as we were leaving the cemetery to head towards the memorial service that when i layed hands on the box that kept him and they buried in him in the ground that he would come out of that box. i wanted that life would breathe in him and he would spring from his grave. i still want that. i miss being inspired by Mark and his gifts, his words, his thoughts, his creativity, his passion for the Kingdom of God.

Peace is not being "okay" with it. Peace is not w/out pain. Peace is resting in singular allegiance to the King. I remain there but I'm in pain. I'm still wanting, I'm still disappointed.

Please don't preach to me. I know Chad and Mark are alive as never before. I know God is good and worthy of worship. But here's the thing, i experienced the life they are now encompassed in as they were here with me in this realm. I've tasted where they are at and it wreaks with life. We did it together here and they left to go bathe in it completely. I'm still waiting and I'm still wanting and it hurts.

What is this life of pointless jobs and aspirations? Dead goals and dead desires. aimless pursuits to get more stuff and get more dead. we major in decay and it sucks. we think we're so important but we are specs in a magnificent universe. The Kingdom is ultimate reality, it is all there is, there is nothing else. I want to experience it again with my brothers. I would call them fallen, but I think I'm the one who is still fallen.

Chad and Mark, I love you guys so much and miss you terribly. Can't wait to see you again.



utech said...

I just had a conversation tonight about how even now there just seems to be no answer to that question. I donno if we ever will and I am still not sure how I feel about that.
Thank you for your words.

+ Alan said...

You're right - death sucks. Ultimately, it is not a part of the Life of the Kingdom of God. And I think we have a right to be pissed about it. Sure, they're alive, like you said, and I hope they're praying for us over there - but still, their deaths are sad symptoms of this fallen mess we live in.

Anonymous said...

Peace to you this day. No answers for you, it just sucks as you say.

However, I will say that the day I found Palmer's blog, on the very day he passed away, my spiritual life was resurrected. My thinking regarding the Kingdom was radically changed. I read his entire blog and was inspired by it more than anything I had ever read.

I didn't have the privelege of knowing Mark and Chad personally. But their writings and Chad's "Poima" mp3 inspired me to not give up, to hope in the resurrection, to experience Kingdom life. In that wierd blogosphere way I consider them my friends, my brothers even though I will never meet them here in this life on earth.

Again, peace to you this day. I only share the above to, hopefully, encourage you. If it seems preachy or inappropriate, I ask your forgiveness.


Marsh said...

Alan, much love and peace my brother.

Timothy, spot on my friend. Thank you, that encourages me greatly. All Chad and Mark cared about was the Kingdom of God, it was bigger than them and their lives. That you found the Kingdom life through them is what they were willing to die for. We have experienced loss, but in the end, Yahweh wins.

erickeck said...


Anonymous said...

Raw, transparent grief. Your love for your brothers is refreshing to read, even if it is out of grief. Puts things in perspective. Thanks for putting this to words.

Emily said...

i miss all u guys. =[

modorney said...

Across the whole emerging church movement, Cincy stood out. And all you brothers stood tall, when you closed ranks around Chad and Mark and their families. That has to be my greatest memory of the emerging movement.

Doug Hill said...

St. Marsh... Somethings in life just absolutely take your heart out and leaves you empty and disgusted and pissed off and angry and broken. Losing Chad was one of those things. We should grab a Guinness together in their memory and share some more stories.