Monday, August 14, 2006

an Emo moment

things that presently make me sad:

- an incredibly horrible ending to the work day, being implicated in a disastrous student issue re: graduation, i'm innocent but still feel the need to declare my comptence and responsiblity vs. perceptions (this is vague, but it was baaaaad)

- last night of student house church tonight. the majority are headed to college this week or next. how incredibly sad. i love these kids and am so proud of them. as they grew up, so did I. they are now not only followers in the kingdom, but they walk this earth as carriers of the Kingdom virus, looking for others to infect. proud indeed, sad indeed.

- my Dad, who has never visited me in my lifetime, i"ve always gone to him is scheduled to come next week for a few days. Its a long trip so I've been skeptical, now I'm hearing rumors that it probably won't happen. he has done better in the past couple years, has called me a couple times. I've been his son for 33 years, never a visit, doesn't know my birthday, attended my wedding, but no other event in my life, our relationship has been mostly one sided = me initiating. He re-married and had 3 more kids, the reality is that I'm just a step-child, I get the leftovers. i've never had a Dad on this earth to rely on, talk to, feel secure in etc. etc. It looks like things are gonna stay that way.

- one of my best friends has a family and is unjustifiably unemployed. i hate that he has to walk this path, i wish I could do more for him.

- i miss Palmer and Chad . . . .ALOT! I found a picture of me, Chad and Johnson laughing together in St.Elizabeth's today while shuffling through some folders. I can't believe Chad is gone, so suddenly. and Palmer, the day he passed will always be remembered to me as the day that God broke my heart.

- i feel so busy and pulled in so many directions right now, i wish i had time and space to rest. i need to sabbath, but i'm not doing a good job of slowing down

- i'm struggling hard to get back to running. time, sickness, the heat and my achilles are really hampering any progress. 2 miles is still an enormous struggle. i may never get back to where I was.

sometimes it is just therapeutic to admitt the things that make you sad. just don't dwell in them.

noticeably missing from this narcisisitc reflection are really sad things in the world like hunger, peace in places of war, suffereing children, the abused, the victims of crimes, disease, sickness and real suffering. my reflection feels so petty. a focus on self rarely yields a positive effect. i just long for authenticity.


No comments: