I'm doing what i can with what I have to be productive in my turmoil and darkness. I know that I need to keep my heart open because it has been hardening and that just isn't me. I have gotten my guitar back out this week, just had my second gig all by myself playing and singing some old songs and seeing if they connect to that person deep inside me. I think i heard at least echoes of a former self down there, there were some slivers of light, it wasn't all darkness. Its important for me to admit that I am a heartfelt, passionate and emotional person and that I can't keep that bottled up, even if its dark I need to rage towards God. Keep myself open in the hopes that He is going to show up again.
I'm also asking some pretty difficult questions about myself. I'm finding patterns of self-loathing and criticism, remnants of displaced drivenness and perfectionism, and roots of a people-pleasing imprisonment that has left me completely burned out and bitter. mmmmmm, the inner self is just so dang tasty.
I scoured my bookcases for books, old or new that may need to be picked up and thrown at the wall of my mind to see if they stick. Tonight's choice is a bit our of my normal reading cuz is so mainstream christian sub-culture but it's "Get a Life" by Reggie McNeal. I think our denomination sent this to all church planters, i know i didnt' buy it. Here are a couple snippets:
The way you are living today is how you are living life. None of us get today back. . . . We can choose to defer living until some circumstances are met, but that means every day till then is another lost day of life. . . . If you choose to get a life, get ready to ask yourself some hard questions.
Not half bad thoughts, I'm gonna peruse it further. I do know that my circumstances are not nearly bad enough for the inner turmoil I'm feeling, I've got some demons in here that need confronted. Jesus slept on the boat during the storms, I need a piece of that action.
a sliver of light tonight, keep praying church!