Wednesday, July 30, 2008
time to mold the clay
i think today i finally gave up, literally hit that wall and couldn't go another step. cancelled the rest of my appts. for the day, went home and requested a 2 week leave of absence from work to try and get some perspective and deal with the source of all this anguish. I would say half is overwhelming work and half is a deep, personal wrestling in me with God himself. I'll give you 2 guesses who is winning that particular wrestling match.
I will start that 2 week leave of absence/sabbatical from work on Friday August 8. Until then, I'm going to try and get as much taken care of from work as possible, but I'm letting it all go.
I have come to the end and giving myself over to surrender. Whatever God wants is what I want. What following Jesus looks like, its the path I want. If I'm to leave this job to seek the next step for me, even if I don't have something else in place, I'm gonna trust Jesus to bring us there. If I'm to stay and reinvent this job situation with boundaries and God at the center of me, then I'll follow him through that. I'm done controlling what provision looks like, I made a mess of it and it made a mess of me. I'm a large hump of clay, time for some molding.
This day has been very revealing and I find that to be encouraging. I'm encouraged as I head to bed, I think I'm ready to go toe to toe with some of these root issues within me.
I think I'm finally ready to ask God to heal my heart for Him not healing Palmer. there, i said it, only took me 2 1/2 years. I think I'm ready to ask God to heal my heart for a fatherless and abusive childhood. there, i said it, only took me 35 1/2 years. My pride has held onto these pains and stuffed them down deep within me. My pain has too long been a source of my identity, its time to crush that clay and remold something new. I can't make any of this happen, I'm just here saying I'm ready and open.
peace to your heart of clay,