Thursday, July 24, 2003

Had a great coffee conversation with Paul (my co-pastor) this morning. We talked of a myriad of topics but I expressed my lack of rest and stress over the coming events and as I talked some revelation hit me. I am facing, for I think the first time in my life, a scenario that is totally beyond my ability to control and therefore I can't control if I will fail or not. And I have an enormous fear of failure. With my trip to Europe followed by a trip out west to begin working on my doctorate program, then back to start my teaching job in which I'll be teaching 7 classes everyday, 4 of them in which I've never taught before, continuing to pastor Ordinary Community, continuing to lead regionally in the Midwest in organizing church planter gatherings, heading up with that crew a large event here in Cincy in January, all the while trying to be a husband and Daddy and a son to Abba. There is no way I can do this thru my own talents and abilities. My revelation was that God orchestrated this scenario to push me towards surrender and solitude. That he is calling me to a life of discipline and transformation so that I learn how to feed my soul in rythymns and anchor deep amongst storms. I confessed to God that I couldn't do it and he seemed to say, "Good, I can handle it." John 15, "apart from me, you can do nothing." Do you think he really meant that?


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