Monday, October 27, 2003

Reading "life of the beloved" by Nouwen. Coming to the realization that my self-worth is not based on success has been one of the top 3 conversions in my life. Now I'm just trying to keep re-learning it over and over so I believe it and live in it in some sense of normalcy. He says, "Aren't you, like me, hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire?" I find myself always looking for the magic pill. As an extrovert, just one more party with lots of people, laughing, entertaining, having a great time and then my heart will feel content. But its not enough. As an obsessive personality, throw myself into one more hobby, one more theory, one more story/movie to make sense of, one more obsession to figure out and master and then I'll be alright. As a perfectionist leader, do something really relevant, really outstanding, really popular, really powerful, but its never enough. Lose myself in a movie, lose myself in a meal, lose myself in one more dark beer and cigar, lose myself in success, lose myself in trying to be loveable and relevant in this world. All of this is meaningless.

What it must have felt like when Jesus came up out of the water at his baptism and heard a voice from heaven say, "This is my son whom I love, with him I am well pleased." As I sit here real quiet before my day, I think i hear that same voice calling me. "Chris, you are my beloved, with whom I take delight in." I deny the voices in my head today towards self-rejection. I am his beloved, and this is in a mystical sense, enough.

Stop and notice the Kingdom today.

peace,

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