Sometimes I wish that I had never seen behind the curtain,
Maybe it all would be easier to deal with,
What do you do when you've heard all the songs meant to stir your heart,
What do you do when you've seen all the gimmicks used to keep your attention,
What do you do when you've received all the tag lines and challenges,
What do you do when you don't buy it anymore,
I used to buy it, I used to sell it, I used to believe in it,
But I don't anymore,
I'm not sure if it was my choice to not believe,
Or if the choice chose me,
I just know that I don't belong to church anymore,
I don't get it, I don't fit in and it leaves me feeling very alone,
There are honest and good people who fit in and belong to it well,
But somehow I have become lost from its gravitational pull,
I am utterly conflicted, I don't know what to believe,
Its not a matter of trying harder, where's the Grace in that?
If I just need to try harder, what differentiates church from Islam or budhism?
Its not a matter of having it explained better, I see it for what it is (good and bad),
You see, I'm a cynic who wants to believe, I'm a conflicted soul,
I've been around the block and have collected experiences from all over the world,
I get God, I get Christ, I get the Spirit, but I don't get church anymore,
I think I get Church, but not church,
The culture smothers me, I can't breathe, there's no freedom,
I've seen behind the curtain, and its left me uninvolved.

Please don't receive this as pride or rebellion, and don't read it as only darkness, it is what it is, its my thoughts on today.