Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Feeling discouraged today. Don't know why. Maybe its that I get discouraged at my job sometimes. The Christian School enviornment does not represent the Kingdom that I feel so passionately about. In fact, my view of the Kingdom is a threat to the whole system of things. They want control, discipline, simplistic theology and kids in dress code. Does it matter that 95% of the students find Christianity completely irrelevant or compartmentalize it into an emotional high from time to time? I feel alone sometimes, like its Halloween everyday. I put on my mask, pretend that I'm towing the company line but knowing that I long to be real/honest and that would be the end of my employment so better have a back-up plan.
Is it that unless I find another way to subsidize my teaching salary, I can't stay here past this year anyways? Our church planting support runs out this year and it helps us afford the monthly bills with my teaching job. So in the back of my mind is this timer that is ticking. "what are you going to do, Chris? Do you have a plan? shouldn't you be working that scenario now so you're ready? . . . worry, worry, worry . . ."
Is it that I'm not completely using my gifts? I have lots of leaders I would like to coach but can't take the time to coach them. I have lots of ideas/revelations that I would like to teach but I have no way for teaching them? I have lots of thoughts that I would like to formulate, study and write on, but not the time to sit down and do it?
Is it that I do not take the time for solitude and thus get my heart in order? I get up early enough to get to school to prepare for the day, come home to soccer practices, community meetings, workouts (ha) and family time, weekends are packed, so where is quiet? (Quiet is on vacation)
Is it that I look for life in things that are dead?
Is it that I'm a control freak who never settles?
Is it that I measure myself and success based on faulty goals and values?
Is it that I'm not sleeping enough each night?
Is it that I'm in the thick of battle, in a war each day I rise? Leading a revolution against an enemy who wants complete destruction of me and all the blessings God has given me.
Is it what C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, "this universe is at war"?
And war can be discouraging.

So which of these is the reason? Yes, on all accounts.

discouraged? yes
down today? yes
depression hovering? a bit

hopeful? always
defeated? never
quitting? kiss my arse, I'll never give up

Battle is upon me, to battle I go.
Christ in me, the hope of my salvation.


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