"may your Kingdom come"
I just spent some time on my front doorstep in the rain with a friend/brother sharing hearts and hurts. And this phrase kept coming to me like waves hitting the beach. He would share some struggles and woosh, the wave comes in a whisper "my Kingdom is coming". I'm listening to my brother, the rain is coming in sideways in my porch overhang, we're getting a bit wet and woosh, "my Kingdom come". I've been struck by this phrase as well on Palmer's blog and responses to his journey with Jennifer. He says that he is experiencing the Kingdom in a way that he wished all could. woosh, another wave just came in. The Kingdom in struggles? The Kingdom in suffering? I'm sorry, I must have read the brochure wrong. I thought it was pearly gates and golden streets. Is this the biggest heresy in Christendom? That the Kingdom is some spatial place in a world yet to come. What if the whisper i heard was the Creator of life? What if Palmer is right? Then the Kingdom is not a place, but a status of being. Being in communion with the One who made you, in communion with the One who governs the laws of the universe and in communion with the One who orchestrates resurrections all the time. Being in communion with the One makes loving neighbors a natural event. The Kingdom is both now and not yet. We have a complete theology and unhealthy fascination with the not-yet, but how come so little of us experience the Kingdom now? woosh, another wave rolls in. Do we have a clue of what that means? Or do we just hope its the church growth strategy we've been waiting our whole lives for? Finally, we found a winning lottery ticket. But the Kingdom isn't found in fortunes. The ones who talk about it with any kind of authenticity are the Palmers who suffer. Mother Theresa of Calcutta who walked amongst the poor. Nouwen with the handicapped kids. Manning who just fell off the AA wagon again. Jesus with no place to lay his head. "may your Kingdom come" Be careful what you ask for. woosh, another wave just rolled in.

peace,
Chris

Last night, Craig Spinks and I hung out and began the initial planning of our time in Dublin, Ireland this August. I will be going with the MBC (church planting conference) to the Ukraine from July 30-Aug.10 to put on 3 multi-day seminars on the basics of church planting. My role is to teach "How to interpret culture?", "Evangelism in the New World", "Heart of Worship" and "Developing a Core Group". I'm looking forward to this opportunity although the culture/language barriers will be significant and being away from my family for that long is unchartered territory. (Not looking forward to that part) But the main event for me is a spiritual pilgrimmage at the end of this trip to Ireland. Ireland calls to me in my sleep. I fell in love with the Celtic Missionary movement of the 6th century under Patrick and it has been a huge influence on the way I do church today. Since then, Irish culture and the Emerald Isle has gotten my attention. If that's not enough, its the home of the greatest rock band in the world, U2. (Bono believes that his faith, not his music, is his real rebellion. I resonate with that.) So from Aug. 11-15, I will be in Dublin with Craig Spinks (video producer extraordinare) who will meet me there for those days. We wavered on whether to travel to Scotland or England but opted to just spend our time in Dublin and surrounding areas The plans are just beginning but already on the "must do" list is the tour of the Guiness factory (surprise, surprise). I am so looking forward to a time of fun, experiencing Irish Pub culture. As well I look forward to connecting with the Spirit of the land where art, music and dance are more normative expressions of faith than 40 minute sermons. I look forward to connecting with the God of Creation and in seeing what Patrick saw. The castles, the coast, the crosses, the history, the land, the people, the friendship, the journey and the experience. The Emerald Island is calling me.

peace,
Chris

ok, I'm a Christ follower and I saw Matrix 2. I can't tell you the kind of controversy this has caused in the Christian School Culture that I'm employed in. My going to see it has been interpreted as an endorsement for all under-17 year old rebellious kids to go see it behind their parents back. I wondered how long my "un-evangelical" lifestle would catch up to me here at school. Since day #1, I've wondered out loud if this is a good fit for me or them. Am I a poison to young minds? Is the rebellion that I communicate the kind that Jesus endorsed, or is it my own arrogant agenda? I did receive a contract today to teach next year, but its for less $ than I have ever made. Less than my first ministry job out of college. Can I survive in a stressed enviorment, working 50 hours a week just above the poverty level, responsible for 3 kids, a wife, health insurance, mortgage etc.? Well, only God knows. If he says to stay, I'm staying. But I have no other opportunities and unemployment sounds like a deeper hell. Today sucked and its only half over. If any of you are independently wealthy and need someone to carry your bags or have a prophetic word, lay it on me. I think I'm ready to listen.

peace,
Chris

This is the last week of school and the subject I teach is New Testament survey so for the past 2 weeks, we have been rapping up the book of Revelation. In their churched culture, the students are well versed in the literal interpretation of Revelation. They've read "Left Behind" and seen the movies. I found it a real challenge to get them to see the metaphors and symbols as pointing to a big picture meaning, rather than literal fortune telling. Anyways, the more I read Reveltion, the more it causes my mind to wonder. Not about timelines, but about a "world without end". A world where we are back in the Garden, where we had perfect communion with God. Back to the Garden forever where there is no more pain, suffering, tears or heartache. I admit that I'm presently feeling disappointment and disallusionment. Would it be easier if I never knew of a "world without end"? Because I can see it, touch it and taste it, I compare my earthly experience with the ultimate consumation of all things, and let's just say it doesn't measure up. I long for the "world without end", I long to be back in the Garden in perfect union with the One who breathed life into me. For now I'll be disappointed, but every now and then, I catch a glimpse of that world to come in my physical world now and it causes me to wonder.
In a former life, I spent endless hours analyzing modern vs. postmodern church to the point I made myself nauseated. But for this discussion, let me return to the vomit for a moment. Modernity's dominant rational/logical, scientific worldview sucked the wonder out of life. It was all the right brained view of the world and of spirituality. Christianity was believing rightly, if you define belief as an acknowledgement of historical facts. But there is a part of me, and I hope a part of you, that wants to get out of the engine room of the ship and get to the top deck where the wind is blowing your hair, your breath is fresh air, the mist in the breeze is collecting on your face and you FEEL alive. And on the top deck of the ship, you see the wonder of the voyage. It doesn't matter to you if your making good time, you've chosen the best course, the decks are cleaned up or our uniforms are on straight. All you see is the wonder of the voyage. Jim Henderson and I used to meet every Sat. morning at starbucks for 3 years. I suppose it was leadership development for me but we didn't approach it that way. Some mornings, we would sit down and he would ask me one question, "Chris, what do you wonder about?" Jim Henderson is a leader worth following.
Friends, screw the details, don't miss the chance today to just wonder. There is a "world without end", have you lost the wonder of it all?

peace,
Chris

Went to my sister's this weekend up in northeast Ohio and my Dad and step-mom were there as well. My Dad had never met my son yet so it was good to introduce them. However, family is so disappointing sometimes. I try hard to leave the past in the past and move on but there are times when things get brought back to the surface. I love my Dad in the biological sense, and we're decent friends now after having little contact for about a 15 year period. But we have a surface relationship and no matter how hard I try to blow that off, it hurts. It hurts deeply, its so disappointing. Nothing can change the past, its done. All we have is the now and the developing future. I have forgiven my Dad for not being there when I needed him between the ages of 8 - 25. Since my parents divorce he remarried and had 3 more children. With my 1/2 brother, Jason, he has a close, intimate father-son deal. This weekend i got more of the details of this "great" relationship. Do they have no idea what that sounds like to me? "Hey Chris, sorry for the painful teenage years. Sorry that you accomplished so much in sports, school, socially and personally yet you were all alone. Sorry that your Mom had to work all day and go to school all night to raise you and therefore nobody was left to attend any of your games. Sorry that you felt so abandoned and alone that suicide was a daily struggle. Sorry that you developed an obsessive need to be accepted because you felt rejected. Tought break, Chris. But hey, Jason and Dad have a great relationship. Dad never misses a game. Dad is helping him with his life decisions. Dad is a constant support and stepping-stone." I love Jason and want the best for him and Dad, but please do not bring this crap up in front of my face. The ignorance is deafening. If I would have followed thru and any of those dark nights with a pill bottle in hand as I cried myself to sleep, would I know the joy of my Savior? Would I have experienced the depth of my marriage? Would I have received the touch of my wife? Would I have laid eyes on my first child and fallen deeply in love with her? Would I have experienced Megan's radiant giggle? Would I have heard the ultrasound technician on our 3rd child say "Dad, your going to have a son!" (Next to 'I do', the most amazing words ever spoken to me) And now I have a son. Not just a son, I have Zach Attack, the joy of my heart. He is amazing. He's more than amazing, he's redemptive to me. Is God not good? He has been a Father to the Fatherless and I will never be the same because of it. And now my present and my future are the living reality of a do-over. I am deeply in love with my son and our future is intimacy with one another. Out of the ruins comes a ressurrection.
Abba, your love is a blanket tonight. you heal my heart one day at a time. you fill my life with riches beyond measure. you restore my past and are leading me to wholeness again. i have never been alone because you have always carried me. tonight I am reminded that I am most bascially your son and the God of the universe likes it when I call him "Daddy". too good for words my God has been to me. be magnified in my life tonight.

peace,
Chris

Out of my library, I came across this Celtic Morning prayer:
"Encircle my soul in morning stillness, Scatter the shadows of fear, be at my side in midday bustle, Weave through the knotwork of time, Talk to my heart in teatime chatter, Speak through the discords of life, Lighen the load of incoming darkness, glow like a star at midnight"

God, call to me in the ordinary day. Retreat with me as I walk. Commune with me as I drive. Enter into my dailyness and carry me in the current of your Kingdom now around me. Lord, create my day. amen.

ok, went to the 10:00 showing of "Matrix Reloaded" last night and that is one BAD (meaning good) movie. it was a little rough getting to sleep aftewards and then even more rough getting up at 5:00. But the special effects are as you would expect, amazing. I thought there were a lot more philosophical discussions and spiritual overtones in this one than the first flick. Pretty engaging if you like to think at a movie. My favorite line comes from Morpheus (who is portrayed as a thundering preacher). Morpheus keeps the faith when many are not believers in the prophecy. He is told something like, "Nobody believes in that stuff, Morpheus", he responds, "My belief does not require that they do believe." He believes in the prophecy because he has experienced it personally to be true. Regardless that it is not popular opinion, even amongst his own kind (the rebellion). The take security in their own power and resources. Morpheus stands as a prophet and points towards a higher power that is ordaining purpose and partnering with them to orchstrate the future. and that begs the question. Do I believe in the one true Gospel that is more about suffering than prosperity? Do I point to a higher source of dependency, or am I an info-mercial of the self-sustaining marketing schemes of popular Christianity? Eugene Peterson says that Christ following is best accomplished somewhere out on the margins and in the minority. Once it becomes mainstream, it loses its purity and becomes self-sufficient religion and the machine that enslaves us to maintain it.
"reloaded" also had a great deal to say about the nature of power and choice, which will have to wait for a future blog.
Lord God, that your Gospel be pure in me today. That the reality of your Kingdom here amongst us be my present assurance. That I be a believing prophet today, and not a clone of the mainstream. Rule and Reign in me today, Abba Father.

peace,
Chris

still waiting to hear if they will offer me a teaching gig at the school next year. to be honest, its beginning to wear on me big time. I feel myself emotionally exhausted, not knowing if I should be saying "goodbye" to these students or setting myself up for next year. And the stress of impending unemployment is like a 9 foot giant hurling insults at me from the valley. having a resume of 11 years of ministry experience, an undergrad degree in youth ministry and an Mdiv from seminary does not make me marketable for much except for jobs involving high stress sales or quotes like, "would you like fries with that, mam?" it scares me to death and I definitely lack the creative energy to re-invent myself. if I would have known that I was going to head into bi-vocational ministry the rest of my life, I would have set myself up differently. But I climbed the evangelical ladder and when I got near the top, I jumped off. I'm more than glad I did, but it makes employment difficult cuz I have no trade and no leads. i love to teach but can't get an ohio teaching certificate without 3 additional years of education and can't do university teaching without a doctorate (which I've considered). all of this is whining unless I trust God. and trusting is hard. would he leave me now? no way. has he been with me to this point? without a doubt. has he taken care of all my needs? yes, plus a bunch of wants too. but I suppose every 9 foot giant that comes our way will intimidate us, will accuse us, will seek to detroy us, but we have to remember that God's nature doesn't change. if he was faithful then, he'll be faithful now. so instead of sending out invitations to my personal pity party, I should be looking around my feet for a few smooth stones and face the giant head on. i'll say again that trust is hard work.

peace,
Chris

had a good weekend. hung out with some of the fellas on Friday night, saw a great Reds game (they won in bottom of the 10th). We skipped Jammin' on Main as there was no one we wanted to see and noticed as we passed that Joan Jett was bald. That just ain't right.
After the monsoons on Saturday, had a very successful garage sale in which my kids made enough $$ to spend at the store on more toys to replace the ones we just sold off. Aren't we just the model of consumer capitalism?
Our "next" meeting (ordinary community leadership develpment) on Sunday was a bit too close to home. we talked of the idols (sin) in our lives that are a result of us trying to get our own way. Self-protection, self-exaltation, self-absorbed, self-centered etc. This was followed by an Epic battle last night with my 6 year old at bedtime. It was a battle of the wills and the fight was on. Her and I duked it out and that girl held her own. Regardless of my tone of voice, she still insisted on her way. We both were determined to win. It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't win. Apparently it didn't cross her mind either. (Why can't she take after her mother?) I saw so much of myself in her last night, it was frightening. In the spirit, its prophetic leadership. In the flesh, its just obnoxious and self-centered. Of course it ended with my wife as the mediator, having a calming effect on both of us.
Why do I wax eloquently and write articles on leadership outside my home but in a moment needing strategy and care with my daughter, she got the leftovers? My daughter gets my shepherding scraps. That feels shameful to write. God, forgive me and redirect my attention to the things (people) that matter. I will reconcile with my daughter tonight. I suppose an apology and ice cream should do the trick.

peace,
Chris

began the day at the downtown Cincy courthouse, that's never a good thing. That place just gives me the creeps. Something about the fact that the whole place is based on brutal conflicts and I'm a peacemaker. Its just not my thing. But the student I'm supporting rejected her father's plea bargain so we're going back to trial at the end of June and it won't be pretty. I may be called to testify but I'm doubting it.
i hope to find out from the school tommorrow if they have worked out the deal for me to come back and teach next year. It would be a burden off my mind if I knew that was for sure. If not, it changes the whole complexion of my summer.
Will be going the Reds game tommorrow night with the fellas and meeting up with more at the downtown festival deal with tons of bands playing on the street. Life is good and so are my friends. Got to retire early tonight, have to report to the school at 6:30 tommorrow morning. Dang day jobs always get in the way.

peace,
Chris

man, fasting is never easy. It was hard being at school and smelling the pizza and hot lunches. I locked myself in my office, saught solitude when I could today and prayed. For an extrovert, this is evidence of God calling me near. Finding myself drawn more and more into solitude and away from the success driven, relevant pastor addiction of my former lifestyle. Am praying that next year for employment, the school will hire me on just to teach and not to do the "campus pastor" gig which has been draining and a major conflict of interest. We have completley opposite views of mission.
Tommorrow I have to be at the downtown Cincy courthouse at 8:00 to support one of my students who will be offering a plea bargain to her Dad for 6 years of rape and child pornography. She is 16 and this is her world. I'm going as a support to her since I was the one she reported to, to begin this whole process some 3 months ago. He is facing 14 counts (just as a summary, in reality several hundred counts of rape) that each carry a mandatory life sentence. His plea of insanity was rejected. This was the changing face of American teenage culture that I kept running into that didn't translate to the expectations of elder boards above me while in youth ministry who wanted a safe enviorment for Christian kids. I suppose tommorrow I will have to submit to a ministry of presence. There's nothing to say, no notes from seminary to research. I just pray for an Incarnation of the God of Peace.
Driving out of school today, I noticed that the attached Church was hosting a "holy spirit" conference. The banner on the church with a large picture of the charismatic preacher. I noticed underneath the carport (it was raining), a shiny, new, silver BMW convertible with leather seats and the top down. The vanity licencse plate matched the name of the speaker on the banner. Then in the parking lot were clearly marked, RESERVED spaces for the other speakers, pastors and VIP's right up front next to the handicap parking. All night I've been wondering, is that just a different style of ministry? Or is that dead wrong? I mean, what's wrong with this picture? Jesus took up a towel and basin and acted as a "diakanos" or a table server. Jesus was a bus boy. And then he said, if you want to be great in the Kingdom of God, you must become a table servant as well. But we don't get it, we love being relevant and important. Our salvation is only skin deep, the transformation of life hasn't healed our need to be needed. Even the apostles in Acts 6:2, "So the twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, 'It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables (diakanos-same word)." So they give over the table serving to the seven who are full of the Holy Spirit so that they can be freed up to the important and relevant work of preaching the word. Is this the beginning of vocational ministry? Is this the beginning of the pastoral office where celebrity is applauded and sweeping floors is for those other "full of the Holy Spirit" types. I'm either being prophetic here or self-righteous, I honestly don't know which one. Its seeing stuff like BMW's earned in ministry and reserved parking spots that causes me to shake my head. I just don't get it.
I desire to become nothing, so that out of solitude and silence I may be able to give the prophetic words of life that set captives free and usher in the Kingdom of God that is unseen. I suppose there's a red pill world and then there's a blue pill world, and we choose everyday which one to pay attention to. Yes, I'm ready for Matrix 2.

peace,
Chris

God, that you would touch Jennifer Palmer today. That you would heal her body. That you would breathe the Incarnation within her. That you would create new cells. That you would say a word and reverse the cancer process. That you would hear the cries of your people. That you would see our consecration. God, that you would have mercy on the Palmers. That you would manifest your presence in the midst of them. That you would pitch a tent in the middle of their suffering and dwell amongst them. Resurrection, Father, this is what I pray. A resurrection within her. God, that you be glorified in all things. That your name be exalted. That your Kingdom would come and your will be done. Abba, you own my heart, it is yours today.

peace,
Chris

Well, being new to the blogging world, I was looking forward to a venue for me to spill my guts and wax eloquently about the things that matter and everything that doesn't. But then I read some more of Henri Nouwen today. "Way of the Heart", p. 40 is about silence and words. Our world is full of words and words connect us to worldliness. The lack of words in silence connect us to the Spirit of a living God. Only out of silence he says can we speak words that matter. "A word with power is a word that comes out of silence. A word that bears fruit is a word that emerges from the silence and returns to it." and "Silence is a sacred discipline, a guard of the Holy Spirit." These are elevated thoughts for me today.

As a side note, Creech, Rains and I had a 10 minute chatroom discussion today on the nature of proclamation, role of church tradition and the emerging culture. We decided that we liked John Wesley's theology of the Quadrilateral. That is that 1) Scripture 2) Reason 3) Experience and 4) Tradition all have a role at the round table in living and teaching the words of faith. There is more to it than that, maybe Creech can publish the chat verbatim.

Have begun fasting tonight for Jennifer Palmer and will end it tommorrow evening after a couple hours of solitude in place of "Fight Club" this week. God has given me this prayer to pray for the Palmers. "Father, would you bring a Resurrection to dead cells tonight? You are Creator God, would you Incarnate yourself in her body and breathe healing into the cancer, inhaling your power, exhaling the dead cells. In unity with the many saints crying out on her behalf, would you hear our prayers and begin a Resurrection? And in all things, may your name be lifted up and that you would be glorified in their suffering. May the peace and love of Christ dwell on the Palmers tonight. Amen."

peace,
Chris

went to a mandatory "unity" meeting at school today and left feeling so conflicted. In the meeting, many shared Scriptures, confessed bitterness, prayed, preached etc. etc. I just sat there, feeling torn. My church cultured identity wanted to buy in, lead the "camp meeting", throw my stick in the fire too, but my heart felt sick. I wasn't buying it. Now, these are good people, tender hearted some, but it was rubbing my fur the wrong way. I wonder how skeptical I've become of Christians and church folk. I just don't trust them, I don't believe them when they say the right things. It reminded me of the hundreds of phone conversations I would have with my Dad who would assure me that he would call me back, and never did. He assured me he would send a card this time for my birthday, he never did. He assured me he would come see me "soon", but never did. I'm jaded. I'm only a stones throw from writing songs for Alanis Morrisette. (ok, maybe not) My experience with church folk is that this is all part of the "culture". When times are tough, have an emotional meeting, read the right Scriptures, preach the cliche's, re-define our failures as "God ordained" and say this time we really mean it. When I walk the aisle this time during the last chorus of "Just As I Am" I'm gonna receive pentecost. But reality has been that we reap what we sow. If we sow a need for dogma, self assurance, external indications of success, self-righteousness and a lack of care, we reap dung. I find myself more and more detached from the evangelical institution I grew up in, I no longer belong. I find myself instead going against the flow of my flamboyant nature and seeking solitude, silence, irrelevance and humility. (Yes, you can tell I'm
reading Nouwen right now) But do these simple people deserve my judgments? None of them spiteful, none of them with a touch of villian in them, just church folk. I'm jaded. I don't trust. I have no more benefit of the doubt. I have been burned. I have been hurt. I have suffered and found myself alone at the hands of church folk. But do I have a right to judge? Are my feelings legit? Am I the problem and they have it figured out? Well, all I ask is questions and will try to fight off the temptation to listen to some Alanis tonight.

peace,
Chris

ok, I've arrived, I'm a blogger. I am one who blogs. I blog. I am the guy formerly known as "not a blogger". I am in the act of blogging. I joined a host of honorable bloggers and humbly submit my thoughts and reflections on life, community, faith and passions. I'm a rookie, a newbie, but I will fittingly close my first publish with a quote from the great prophet . . . L.L. Cool J. "Don't call it a comeback! I've been here for years!"

peace,
Chris