Sunday, May 18, 2003

Went to my sister's this weekend up in northeast Ohio and my Dad and step-mom were there as well. My Dad had never met my son yet so it was good to introduce them. However, family is so disappointing sometimes. I try hard to leave the past in the past and move on but there are times when things get brought back to the surface. I love my Dad in the biological sense, and we're decent friends now after having little contact for about a 15 year period. But we have a surface relationship and no matter how hard I try to blow that off, it hurts. It hurts deeply, its so disappointing. Nothing can change the past, its done. All we have is the now and the developing future. I have forgiven my Dad for not being there when I needed him between the ages of 8 - 25. Since my parents divorce he remarried and had 3 more children. With my 1/2 brother, Jason, he has a close, intimate father-son deal. This weekend i got more of the details of this "great" relationship. Do they have no idea what that sounds like to me? "Hey Chris, sorry for the painful teenage years. Sorry that you accomplished so much in sports, school, socially and personally yet you were all alone. Sorry that your Mom had to work all day and go to school all night to raise you and therefore nobody was left to attend any of your games. Sorry that you felt so abandoned and alone that suicide was a daily struggle. Sorry that you developed an obsessive need to be accepted because you felt rejected. Tought break, Chris. But hey, Jason and Dad have a great relationship. Dad never misses a game. Dad is helping him with his life decisions. Dad is a constant support and stepping-stone." I love Jason and want the best for him and Dad, but please do not bring this crap up in front of my face. The ignorance is deafening. If I would have followed thru and any of those dark nights with a pill bottle in hand as I cried myself to sleep, would I know the joy of my Savior? Would I have experienced the depth of my marriage? Would I have received the touch of my wife? Would I have laid eyes on my first child and fallen deeply in love with her? Would I have experienced Megan's radiant giggle? Would I have heard the ultrasound technician on our 3rd child say "Dad, your going to have a son!" (Next to 'I do', the most amazing words ever spoken to me) And now I have a son. Not just a son, I have Zach Attack, the joy of my heart. He is amazing. He's more than amazing, he's redemptive to me. Is God not good? He has been a Father to the Fatherless and I will never be the same because of it. And now my present and my future are the living reality of a do-over. I am deeply in love with my son and our future is intimacy with one another. Out of the ruins comes a ressurrection.
Abba, your love is a blanket tonight. you heal my heart one day at a time. you fill my life with riches beyond measure. you restore my past and are leading me to wholeness again. i have never been alone because you have always carried me. tonight I am reminded that I am most bascially your son and the God of the universe likes it when I call him "Daddy". too good for words my God has been to me. be magnified in my life tonight.


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