Monday, May 05, 2003

went to a mandatory "unity" meeting at school today and left feeling so conflicted. In the meeting, many shared Scriptures, confessed bitterness, prayed, preached etc. etc. I just sat there, feeling torn. My church cultured identity wanted to buy in, lead the "camp meeting", throw my stick in the fire too, but my heart felt sick. I wasn't buying it. Now, these are good people, tender hearted some, but it was rubbing my fur the wrong way. I wonder how skeptical I've become of Christians and church folk. I just don't trust them, I don't believe them when they say the right things. It reminded me of the hundreds of phone conversations I would have with my Dad who would assure me that he would call me back, and never did. He assured me he would send a card this time for my birthday, he never did. He assured me he would come see me "soon", but never did. I'm jaded. I'm only a stones throw from writing songs for Alanis Morrisette. (ok, maybe not) My experience with church folk is that this is all part of the "culture". When times are tough, have an emotional meeting, read the right Scriptures, preach the cliche's, re-define our failures as "God ordained" and say this time we really mean it. When I walk the aisle this time during the last chorus of "Just As I Am" I'm gonna receive pentecost. But reality has been that we reap what we sow. If we sow a need for dogma, self assurance, external indications of success, self-righteousness and a lack of care, we reap dung. I find myself more and more detached from the evangelical institution I grew up in, I no longer belong. I find myself instead going against the flow of my flamboyant nature and seeking solitude, silence, irrelevance and humility. (Yes, you can tell I'm
reading Nouwen right now) But do these simple people deserve my judgments? None of them spiteful, none of them with a touch of villian in them, just church folk. I'm jaded. I don't trust. I have no more benefit of the doubt. I have been burned. I have been hurt. I have suffered and found myself alone at the hands of church folk. But do I have a right to judge? Are my feelings legit? Am I the problem and they have it figured out? Well, all I ask is questions and will try to fight off the temptation to listen to some Alanis tonight.


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