You know I have been accurately criticized in the past for being angry, reactive, overly emotional, arrogant, boat rocker etc. etc. etc. I once was a poster child for an evangelical leader and through various scenarios, I became depressed when I discerned that it was all maybe a lie. That the Gospel of Christ that I found so compelling was actually different altogether from the system I found myself in. I wasn't trying to be critical or judgmental, the whole situation leveled me to the core and I felt pain more than anger initially.
Anger came later but being responsible under God, I tried to balance my anger/deconstruction with real hope/construction. I didn't want to sit around and complain, I wanted to create the community that could embody what I thought the Gospel was about. So I fired myself from a vocational pastor position but was left with few options for working for a living. I wasn't sure how else to make it work so I took a job at a Christian High School and believing that it would help me process my anger and pain.
In many ways it has, giving me a platform to proclaim the Gospel of the Kingdom in the way that I understand it and within the context of real, ongoing relationship. But my hope has taken a tumble. In a situation I tried to stand up for what I believe the Gospel to be about and it was rejected by the administration above me. I can't share details but its a blow to my recovery in my cynicism. Sometimes I feel like it is all a lie. Sometimes I have no idea what we are claiming to be about. Sometimes I realize that the Gospel just doesn't work in top-down institutions where the law is easier to govern by.
I can't separate my heart from the Gospel I teach. It has no power if its only an academic subject. And if its just an academic subject then I am a whore, a sell out to the purity of the truths of Christ and His Gospel of reconciliation. I feel like I represent a lie, it makes me sick to continue today. Sorry for the gloomy blog today.